Let's Normalize Depression

*Disclaimer: This post may be useful for those experiencing mild to moderate depression. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, this is not an adequate substitute for individual therapy from a licensed professional, for calling 9-8-8 (the suicide hotline), or 9-1-1 if you fear you are in danger of harming yourself. Please keep yourself safe.

TL;DR: Depression is a natural part of the human experience, a logical response to stimuli. The more we avoid sitting with it and talking about it, the more isolating it feels.

When I was 16, I remember driving with my dad, trying to explain something difficult. I told him that I just… felt sad. There was no particular reason or catalyst at that time that I could identify (though, in retrospect, there were a few); in general, I had kind, supportive friends, and my grades were decent. But I couldn’t shake this deep blue feeling in my heart, and it was all I could do to keep my tears in most days. When I recall his response, I realize how he inadvertently created a core belief in me, one that I truly appreciate.

My dad said, “Oh, well, it sounds like you might be a little depressed.“

It wasn't profound- I knew I was depressed, but I did not know how he would respond. Would he tell me it was nothing? Would he brush it off or, worse, force me into (cue dramatic music) therapy...? In fact, he did none of those things. Instead, he made it sound so… normal. It was matter-of-fact, without being cold; it felt more akin to casual understanding. Suddenly, Depression wasn’t that thing that I’d heard about around school, where you would be medicated and turned into a zombie if you told someone, or something I’d have to prove I actually felt by self-harming or wearing more black- it was just a thing that happened to people sometimes.

That moment sticks with me, especially as I've experienced other periods of depression and have been witness to it in those around me, personally and professionally. It established my belief that depression is (and will be) intermittently present throughout the lifespan, rather than being an indication of brokenness, and it laid a foundation for how I approach Depressive episodes when they arise. In those episodes, whether I am speaking to myself or to others, my message is this: you are hurting, but you are not broken. Even when your pieces are shattered and scattered, you are not irreparably damaged. 

I've heard it so many times- "What's wrong with me?", or "I know it's stupid, but...", or "I should feel better by now..."

Picture this: You're at Disneyland,  the “Happiest Place on Earth”, but you are not happy. You got off the tram and, before you could walk through the gate, you noticed a small rock in your shoe. Maybe you tried to get it out but couldn't find it, maybe you thought you could “tough it out", or just plain did not want to interrupt your day by stopping to deal with it. In any case, it changed how you walked all 37,000 steps you took that day and hindered your enjoyment of the experience. If not enjoying a trip as expensive as that one wasn't bad enough, then you added insult to injury by asking yourself, “What's wrong with me? I was supposed to enjoy my Disney day…”

The logical response is that it's not stupid, there is nothing wrong with you, and your foot will not feel better until you get the rock out AND have had time to rest the injured extremity.  You're hurting, not broken. I might be speaking out of turn, but I think most of us can relate to how unpleasant- even painful- it is to walk any distance with a rock in your shoe. We can understand how going 14 miles will, at best, dampen your day at a theme park and, at worst, wreck it. It makes sense, we empathize.

So… if we can understand the impact of a pebble, why can't we comprehend the impact of something as large as grief, trauma, or pervasive low self-esteem (just a handful of things that contribute to depressive episodes)? When depression is activated, it hurts more than a pebble in your shoe, yet we walk around with it daily and then chide ourselves for not enjoying the little things or burning out, instead of normalizing it as a logical response to painful stimuli.

And- a big thank you to our big, squishy brains!- painful stimuli can result from physical AND emotional wounds. If Disneyland smells like the pancakes your beloved grandmother made for you before she tragically passed, you will experience pain, and it will impact your day there. But the worst thing you can do is try to ignore it or beat yourself up about it.

So, what do we do instead?

1. I suggest naming it is a good start- and you'll hear (read?) this a lot from me. Naming our emotional experiences gives us practical, usable insight.

2. Gently- and I mean gently!- ask yourself what could be activating your feelings. You might find the pebble, you might not. Maybe you're overstimulated (I mean, have you been to Disneyland? Every sense is dialed to 11). Maybe you're worried about money.  Maybe your last trip here sucked, or you got stuck waiting for a work call.  Maybe it's all or none of those things,  and you can't put your finger on it. The “what" is kind of a bonus if you can find it.

3. You normalize your feelings. If you find the pebble: “Oh, it makes sense that I feel sad right now because my sister was supposed to join us, but she had to have knee surgery instead, and I just saw her favorite Disney character.” If you can't find the pebble, you normalize by reminding yourself that nothing exists in a vacuum. 

Once more,  for those in the back:

Nothing exists in a vacuum.

Your feelings didn't come out of nowhere, even when it feels like they did. I promise you, your big, beautiful, squishy brain is complex enough to be activated by the slightest of stimuli. SOMETHING is in your shoe (or heart-space). You aren't crazy or bad for experiencing sadness, even at seemingly random moments; you are responding.

It is imperative that you take that information and use it to give yourself grace.

More practical ideas: Take more breaks. Don't rush around or do things that make you unnecessarily uncomfortable (i.e. you know you don't like crowds? Skip the parade and opt for a snack or find a ride with a short line). Listen to your body's cues (if you're hungry, eat; thirsty? drink; Need to use the bathroom but afraid to slow your trip down? Seriously, go potty.) And frequently remind yourself that it is okay to take the day at a slower pace when you are experiencing mental/physical/emotional pain.

Allowing yourself to hurt, offering yourself care and compassion, and acknowledging even small moments of enjoyment can help build your emotional intelligence. These tools will not make all the pain go away, but they can help take the edge off and, potentially, prevent them from escalating. I guarantee that you are not the only one who has experienced what you are feeling- not only are you not broken,  but you are not alone. 

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And always remember: You’ve got this.

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